How Do You Communicate When There’s Years of Resentment Between You?

For men doing the long, painful work of change

I am not a therapist… I am just a guy trying to do the work. Some days I win, some days I fail. That being said, fifteen years is a long time to carry anything—love, pain, resentment, hope. When you’ve been working on yourself for years—therapy, groups, ketamine, men’s work, anger management—and you still find yourself butting heads with your partner over the smallest things, it can feel deeply discouraging.

It can even feel unfair.

A lot of men I speak with describe something similar:
“I’ve changed so much. Why hasn’t she/he?”
“Why does every minor irritation turn into a landmine?”
“How do we talk about anything when the past is always sitting in the room?”

The truth is, communicating in a long, wounded relationship is less about skills and more about conditions. You can have the best intentions and still end up in the same cycle because the conditions of the relationship haven’t been updated.

Here’s what I tell the men I work with:

1. Understand the “Emotional Scar Tissue” Between You

When there’s been years of conflict, distrust, or emotional wounding, the relationship develops something like scar tissue. Even if you’ve changed drastically, your partner may still feel the old version of you.

This isn’t because they’re refusing to change.
It’s because the past shapes the body’s threat response.

Their nervous system may still brace around you—even when you’re trying your best.

And on your end?
You may carry resentment because you feel unrecognized. You’ve done the work. You’ve fought like hell to grow. But you still get treated like the man you used to be.

Two nervous systems, both protecting themselves, both convinced the other is the problem.

That’s the battlefield.
That’s where communication gets hijacked.

2. Communication Only Works When You Lower the Emotional Temperature First

Many men try to “talk it through” while both people are still emotionally activated. That never works.

Before you communicate, ask yourself:

Is my body calm?
Is theirs?
Are we trying to fix something, or trying to be heard?
Is this the right moment?

Sometimes the best communication skill is the discipline to wait until both of you are regulated.

Calm doesn’t guarantee connection.
But without calm, connection isn’t possible.

3. Shift from Defending Your Progress to Acknowledging Their Experience

This is hard, especially when you have done real deep work.

But one of the biggest breakthroughs for the men I speak with comes when they stop trying to convince their partner:

that they’ve changed
that they mean well
that the past is in the past
that “this isn’t a big deal”

Even when you’re right, those arguments land as minimization.

A more effective approach is something like:

“I can see how, with our history, this would still be hard for you to trust.
I don’t want to erase your experience.
I just want to understand you better.”

This doesn’t mean taking responsibility for things you didn’t do.
It doesn’t mean accepting blame for everything.
It means acknowledging the reality of how the past shaped their nervous system.

Men underestimate how powerful this shift is.
Many partners soften immediately when they no longer feel argued with.

4. Stop Trying to Win at Communication—Aim to Rebuild Safety

You can’t communicate your way out of resentment.
You can only rebuild safety out of resentment.

Safety comes from:

predictability
consistency
humility
emotional availability
non-defensive listening
small repairs done regularly
accountability without collapse or shame

This is the long game:
“I’ll show you safety, one interaction at a time, until your body believes me.”

It’s not romantic.
It’s not quick.
But it works.

5. Address the Resentment—Yours and Theirs

Unspoken resentment poisons communication.

Men often carry silent resentment like:

“Why aren’t they meeting me halfway?”
“Why am I the only one doing the work?”
“They still treat me like the old me.”
“I’m tired.”

Partners often carry resentment like:

“You changed, but I’m still living with the consequences of who you were.”
“I still don’t feel emotionally safe.”
“I’m afraid of slipping back.”
“I’m exhausted.”

You don’t have to agree with their resentment.
You don’t have to like it.
But you do need space where both resentments can be spoken without retaliation.

Sometimes this requires a couples therapist.
Sometimes it requires structured dialogues.
Sometimes it requires restarting the relationship—not ending it, but re-contracting it.

6. Ask a New Question:

Not “How do we fix this?” but
“What version of communication is possible between two wounded people?”**

This is where mature communication begins.

Two people with history, wounds, and bitterness have three choices:

Continue reenacting the old dynamic
Withdraw and coexist as emotional roommates
Create an entirely new way of relating

Option three is the least intuitive and demands the most humility—but it’s the one that gives the relationship a future.

It’s where communication becomes less about solving problems and more about building a new pattern of interaction that isn’t based on the last 10-20 years.

What You Can Do Today

Here’s a simple, powerful place to start:

“I know we have a lot of history, and I know the past still shows up in our present.
I want us to find a way to talk that honors both of us—our pain, our work, and the fact that we’re still here.
Would you be willing to explore a calmer, slower way of communicating with me? We don’t have to fix everything. I just want us to be able to talk without hurting each other.”

You’re not asking them to change.
You’re asking them to join you.

That’s the difference.

Antediluvian Man