Living With the Past Without Letting It Own the Present

I’ve been working on myself for a long time now. Things are better—better than they used to be, that’s for sure—but I can’t lie: I still get stuck.

The past doesn’t just go away. I know I’ve done horrible things. I’ve hurt the person I love the most. I’ve said things I can’t take back. And even though I’m not that same man anymore, I still feel the weight of who I was pressing down on me.

That weight shows up in strange ways. For me, it’s when I think I’ve disappointed my wife. It could be something small—a look on her face, a change in her tone—and suddenly I’m off to the races in my head. I start overthinking. I replay the moment again and again. I imagine scenarios that haven’t even happened. And before I know it, my anxiety has taken over.

And here’s the thing: that overthinking doesn’t make me a better husband. It doesn’t make me more present. It just drags me backward, into a place where shame and fear run the show.

So the question I keep asking myself is this: How do I accept my past without letting it control today?

The Difference Between Owning and Obsessing

There’s a difference between owning my past and living in it. Owning it means I don’t run from it. I admit the truth of what I’ve done. I carry the lessons, and I know what I never want to repeat.

But obsessing—that’s when I turn every small mistake in the present into “proof” that I’ll always be that guy. That’s when I let my past define me, instead of guide me.

The past is a scar, not an open wound. It’s part of me, but it doesn’t have to keep bleeding into every moment of my life.

Try this: Next time your past starts shouting at you, write down three sentences:

“Yes, that happened.”
“That is not happening right now.”
“I choose who I am in this moment.”

This simple step pulls your focus from yesterday back to today.

Why Overthinking Doesn’t Help

When I get stuck in overthinking, I tell myself I’m “just being cautious,” or “just trying not to mess up.” But the truth? Overthinking is just fear in disguise.

It doesn’t protect me. It keeps me locked in my head, disconnected from my wife, and cut off from the present moment where real change actually happens.

I’ve come to see that when I’m spiraling, I’m not protecting her. I’m punishing myself. And when I’m punishing myself, I’m not growing.

Try this: The next time you feel yourself overthinking, stop and breathe in for a slow count of four, hold it for four, then breathe out for six. Do this three times. It slows your nervous system and gives you a chance to step out of the mental spin cycle.

Choosing the Present Over the Past

What helps me climb out of that spiral? A few things:

Pause and breathe. When my chest tightens and my brain starts running wild, I stop and take slow breaths.
Ask instead of assume. If I think I disappointed my wife, I try to ask her instead of building a whole story in my head. Nine times out of ten, the story I tell myself is way worse than reality.
Shift to “what is.” Instead of getting stuck in what I think she might feel, I focus on what’s actually happening in the room, right now.
Daily reset. Every morning I remind myself: I am not who I was. I’m the man I’m choosing to be today.

Try this: At the start of your day, say out loud (or write it down): “Today I will show up as the man I want to be, not the man I used to be.” It may feel cheesy at first, but over time, it builds a new mindset.

Letting Small Mistakes Stay Small

Here’s the hardest lesson for me: it’s okay to mess up.

I hate even typing that, because I know the pain I’ve caused in the past. But the truth is, everybody messes up—every single day. Messing up doesn’t automatically make me that old version of myself.

When I do slip up, I can apologize, make it right, and move on. I don’t need to turn it into another reason to hate myself. I don’t need to drag my wife through another storm that exists only in my mind. And remember, your intentions may be great, but if you have hurt another person, be sure to take their feelings into account first. Allow them to feel seen and heard. Let them know they matter.

Try this: The next time you make a mistake, say to yourself: “This is a moment, not a pattern.” If an apology is needed, give it—then leave it there. Don’t rehearse it 100 times.

Moving Forward, One Day at a Time

I can’t erase my past, and honestly, I wouldn’t want to. It’s part of me. But I don’t need to keep living like it owns me.

The real work for me now is presence. Being here, today, in this moment. Not stuck in who I was yesterday, not terrified of who I might be tomorrow. Just here, showing up as best I can.

And that’s enough.

Antediluvian Man