Antediluvian Man

Patriarchy: is a social and cultural system that privileges men and reinforces traditional gender roles.

Sounds straight forward doesn’t it? But in “The Will To Change” Bell Hooks enlightened me to what a destructive force this really is. I’m not even done the book yet, but here are some segments from the book that hit hard:

One evening my brother was given permission by Dad to bring out the tin of marbles. I announced my desire to play and was told by my brother that “girls did not play with marbles.” that it was a boy’s game. This made no sense to my four- or five-year-old mind, and I insisted on my right to play by picking up marbles and shooting them. Dad intervened to tell me to stop. I did not listen. His voice grew louder and louder. Then suddenly he snatched me up, broke a board from our screen door, and began to beat me with it, telling me, “You’re just a little girl. When I tell you to do something, I mean for you to do it.” He beat me and he beat me, wanting me to acknowledge that I understood what I had done. His rage, his violence captured everyone’s attention. Our family sat spellbound, rapt before the  pornography of patriarchal violence. 

The Will to Change, Bell Hooks

As if the male dominance isn’t bad enough, the “lesson” is then reinforced by Bell’s mother:

After this beating I was banished forced to stay alone in the dark. Mama came into the bedroom to soothe the pain, telling me in her soft southern voice, “I tried to warn you. You need to accept that you are just a little girl and girls can’t do what boys do.” In service to patriarchy her task was to reinforce that Dad had done the right thing by putting me in my place, by restoring the natural social order.

The Will to Change, Bell Hooks

The emphasis is mine in both quotes.

Here’s the thing… Paternity, Maternity, Patriarch, Matriarch… words I have know much of my life never lent themselves to the violence that comes from the cultural institution of Patriarchy. Bell goes on to use the following to describe our nation’s political system as “imperialist white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy”. That may sound bigger than you think it is… but after the 2016 elections… I can confidently say it’s 100% accurate.

So – how does this effect men and produce abusive behavior and abusers in general? Patriarchy can negatively affect men’s ability to be in touch with their emotions. This can happen in a number of ways:

1. Suppression of emotions: Patriarchy can teach men to suppress or hide their emotions, which can lead to difficulty in recognizing and expressing emotions… particularly in a healthy manner.
2. Stereotyping of masculinity: Patriarchy reinforces a narrow and toxic definition of masculinity that equates being a man with being strong, unemotional, and invulnerable. This can lead men to believe that expressing emotions is a sign of weakness and to avoid showing vulnerability.
3. Lack of role models: Patriarchy may limit men’s exposure to positive role models who demonstrate healthy ways of expressing emotions, which can result in a lack of understanding of the importance of emotional intelligence.
4. Pressure to conform: Patriarchy can create pressure for men to conform to traditional gender roles and expectations, which can limit their ability to explore and understand their own emotions.
5. Fear of judgment: Patriarchy can lead to a fear of judgment or rejection for expressing emotions, which can discourage men from seeking emotional support and being in touch with their emotions.

It’s important to note that these are generalizations and not all men will fit in this pattern. However, patriarchy can contribute to a cultural and societal climate that makes it harder for men to be in touch with their emotions. Challenging and changing these cultural norms can help support men in developing emotional intelligence and finding healthy ways of expressing their emotions.

This will, in my opinion, lead to less aggression, less abuse, and the ability to have deeper conversations with our partners, children and even perfect strangers. It will reduce fear and resentment and increase anyone’s capacity to love.