Antediluvian Man

Until a book was brought to my attention I had no idea that I was an abuser. Every man needs to read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s an eye opener.

For me, the most powerful passage challenged my personal myth that my anger makes me “lose control”.

“When a client of mine tells me that he became abusive because he lost control of himself, I ask him why he didn’t do something even worse. For example, I might say, “You called her a fucking whore, you grabbed the phone out of her hand and whipped it across the room, and then you gave her a shove and she fell down. There she was at your feet, where it would have been easy to kick her in the head. Now, you have just finished telling me that you were ‘totally out of control’ at that time, but you didn’t kick her. What stopped you?’”

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft

In that quote it’s about the physical abuse…. But does it really need to go that far… can’t we stop before name calling starts? Can’t we stop at frustration before anger?

It’s a choice… our choice. We can make it at any time… well before it becomes physical… before it becomes emotional… before it becomes derogatory…. Before we choose to sacrifice the health of our relationship so we can maintain our egos.

Abuse in relationships can take many forms, and it is important to be aware of the warning signs and seek help if you or someone you know is experiencing abuse. Here are some of the most common forms of abuse:

1. Physical abuse: Physical abuse is any intentional use of force against another person that causes harm or injury. This can include hitting, pushing, shoving, choking, and more.
2. Sexual abuse: Sexual abuse is any form of sexual behavior that is non-consensual or coerced. This can include sexual assault, rape, and unwanted sexual touching.
3. Emotional abuse: Emotional abuse is any behavior that attacks a person’s self-worth and emotional well-being. This can include name-calling, belittling, and threatening.
4. Psychological abuse: Psychological abuse is a pattern of behavior that is intended to manipulate, intimidate, or control another person. This can include gaslighting, mind games, and false accusations.
5. Financial abuse: Financial abuse is the control and manipulation of another person’s access to money and resources. This can include controlling the household finances, withholding money, and preventing the person from getting a job.
6. Digital abuse: Digital abuse is any form of abuse that takes place using technology, such as social media, texting, and email. This can include cyberstalking, spreading rumors online, and monitoring a person’s online activity.

It is important to remember that abuse is never the victim’s fault, and help is available. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a domestic violence hotline for support and resources.