Antediluvian Man

Nope… not stuffing.

I know that’s what you think… but I’m talking about “I” statements and how we sneak in intended or unintended “you” statements that create a landscape of blame.

Words matter. While you cannot control how your communication might be received, you can put effort into making sure you are as clear as possible with what you are trying to convey.

“I am so tired of pissing you off”… sounds like something any guy would say when they are frustrated and wanting things to be better with their partner. But really what is being said there… “I am so tired of your reaction to my way of being… my way of doing things… etc“. We are not addressing the issue… we are blaming the resulting anger of our partner on them. In fact, it’s our repeated failures that are frustrating our partner, creating resentment and anger. The issue is our behavior… our interaction… our way of thinking. Not that it’s all bad… sometimes it’s just different… but it needs to be discussed. It needs to be understood on both sides.

What does “both sides” mean? It means the goal is not that your “partner understand you and never get pissed off again”. It means you seek to understand why your partner doesn’t like\accept\tolerate this issue. It’s a mutual understanding of each other. This, believe it or not, will bring you closer to each other. The solution will not be “your way” or “their way”. The solution will be some sort of a compromise. Today’s compromise might be 30/70… tomorrow may be 45/55.. in the future it may be 80/20…. the ratio is not important. Getting to a solution is. Keeping the relationship healthy is. Keeping the dialog respectful and informative is.

That solution needs to keep the following in mind:

• Supporting the relationship and nurturing it is the goal
• Keeping kind and comfortable boundaries about what can and can’t be done, what is and is not acceptable is key. Boundaries are not walls.
• There is no punishment involved in the process. It’s about building people up, not tearing people down.
• Respectful communication will go much farther than blame and condescension ever will.

Making “I” statements is a communication technique that can be helpful in expressing your thoughts and feelings in a way that is non-threatening and non-judgmental to the other person. It involves expressing your thoughts and feelings using the phrase “I feel” or “I think,” rather than making accusations or attributions about the other person’s intentions or actions.

Here are some tips for making “I” statements during difficult conversations:

1. Take a moment to calm yourself before the conversation. If you’re feeling upset or angry, it can be helpful to take a few deep breaths or do some relaxation techniques to help you stay calm and focused.
2. Focus on expressing your own thoughts and feelings, rather than making accusations or attributions about the other person. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” you might say “I feel hurt and frustrated when I feel like my concerns aren’t being heard.”
3. Use “I” statements to express your perspective, rather than making broad, general statements. For example, instead of saying “You always make me feel bad,” you might say “I feel sad and misunderstood when I feel like my thoughts and feelings aren’t being valued.”
4. Practice active listening. This involves really paying attention to what the other person is saying, and showing them that you understand their perspective. This can help to create a more open and respectful dialogue.

By using “I” statements and practicing active listening, you can have difficult conversations in a way that is more respectful and less confrontational.